我的藏獒开了我的花苞

"Because I cannot. Because I will not." He shakes his head in refusal as though he was speaking more to himself than me.

"Why?"

"Because every time I look at you, I only see the pup who stared up at me with magnetic blue eyes filled with affection. But that look of yours, the way you are looking at me right now is slaying me Theia. I wish to gauge my own eyes out so I cannot see you anymore. So I can pretend that I am all right."

"Have I hurt you that much?" I ask shakily observing him through my blurry vision. My heart aches to each word he spits out for me to hear. I feel every bit of his sorrow and in return, I bleed with remorse and shame.

"Did I hurt you that much that you did not give me a chance to celebrate your fertility with you, to provide and care for you during your months of pregnancy as you deserved? That you did not give me a chance to witness my male\'s birth? I yearned for him as much as you did. It would have been nice to see it.

Tell me, in the nine months of your pregnancy did he kick you with his little feet as I read in those books? Did you feel his spirit, his heartbeat? What about his first cry when he came out of you?" I swallow striving to not break apart in front of him. This is much harder than I thought it would be.

"Yes he kicked at times demanding attention but he never once cried except for the day you arrived. He sensed you, Phobos. He knew you were there to take him home. Forgive me for not returning to you earlier I was terrified to face you. To face this. I should have been more mature about this I know but please try to understand me."

"We both seem to be weak, Theia. And I admit that my only weakness is you. No one else bears the capability to injure me like this, like the way you do."

"I want to move past this. I want us to fight for what we can have together. I will not give up on us." I screech with determination and Phobos glances away from me only to settle his head against the wall and stare up at the ceiling.

"What have we become, I do not recognize either of us anymore? Both of the times I left you when you were ten and eighteen I swore with my life that I would protect you, that I would always make sure you would be happy. But if I had known you would only be ruined by constant unhappiness maybe I would have thought through things differently."

"I am not unhappy!"

"You were happy in Italy, it took me some time to learn of it but I saw the glow in your eyes. I should let you go, if your happiness is elsewhere it is my duty as your male to make sure you have that for the rest of your life. I should set you free but no matter how hard I endeavour to cut the thread that ties you to me it never rips. The moon truly is vicious to you and me both."

Crawling towards my moon blessed at an indefinable speed catching him off guard I kneel in front of him and smash my palms over his cheeks whilst yanking his face closer to mine in one firm tug so he can see the truth in my eyes. "I love you with the totality of my heart and soul.

I love Tadeas, he is the beautiful male we created together and I value us, the unbreakable bond the moon has blessed us with. I can never leave you again and Italy proved to me that. It ushered me to where my true home was. It is not a place but it is you, Phobos. You are my home. I cannot live without you, I cannot lose you and you are my happiness, you stupid male!

So get that through your thick skull."

My chest heaves as I strive to reign in my emotions whilst he gapes at me with shock accompanied by a hint of something unreadable. I seize his wrist to gently pluck the knife away and fling it to the other side. I will make sure he will never get his hands on it again.

I lay my cheek on his bleeding palm and place a loving kiss on his cut smearing my lips with his blood whilst he tenderly swipes his thumbs below my eyes wiping my tears away. He leans down and grazes his lips against my pulse, he cannot help himself anymore.

"Stop hurting yourself, please."

"I almost lost my life again, Theia. Now I feel quite pleased I am alive." The speedy rhythms of my heart delay at their pace and I glance at him with apprehension. What did he just say to me?

"W-What?"

"Abandonment and death of a loved one do not sit well with me. It was the same situation just like the one after my parents passed. My beast took control of my being whilst I healed behind barriers but he unknowingly fed off my soul and with every day he lived in my body, I died a little each day."

"No. No." I shake my head with a gut-wrenching wail as an understanding of what is wrong with him sinks in. The reason for his emotionlessness, it is not a mask he is wearing but it is his reality. This is why he said looking at me is killing at him. "Look into my eyes, what do you see? What do you feel?"

Phobos smiles sadly at me as a smile that butchers me from the inside. "I cannot read them anymore, Theia. I cannot read your emotions."